Investment

Confession: I realized how un-invested I am in being in a relationship. I also realize how truly invested I am in making myself happy at the cost of a relationship.

It's sort of akin to what my clients do. They look like they're invested when I am talking/ training them, but when it's showtime, they balk at anything that doesn't go their way. Same with me. Guilty.

Am I really willing to get to know someone and accept them for the traits that I like and the characteristics that I don't? Nah. I'm moving, so I don't need to.

Speaking of moving, it gives you a totally different perspective. Recently, I've met two men who have the same problem: They are unreliable flirters. They text and facebook me to say that they want to hang out, but when it's time to pick a time and place, they disappear.

Usually, this would frustrate me and I would blog using their names. But because I am leaving, my perspective on the dating scene in Boston has changed (translation: I don't care anymore. Well, at least until I move and get settled.)

I see this dating thing as a game. I guess I had the Young Jeezy approach to dating when I first moved here. And I quote Jezzy in saying, "This ain't a game, man. This is my life!" Now, it's just a game, to me. The things that got on my nerves before now make me laugh or just make me write men off without any lingering thoughts. Maybe that's why I hadn't written in a while. Not much investment.

I did learn from this, however. I've learned that when I move, I should see dating as a game until it gets to be more serious than just dating. I like this perspective. It's less stressful, more fun, and sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. Just like... well, a GAME. :-)

GTFU Part I.b - Another Angle

My coworker gave me a different angle.. I am sharing.

I should have entitled the first GTFU memo as, "You ain't got to lie, Craig. You ain't got to lie!" (Taken from "Friday" the movie, in case you didn't know.)

The question I should have asked was, "Why you gotta lie, Rory?" Not because he owed me honesty or a polite departure, but because he eliminated me as a potential datee. I mean, don't guys want to maximize their datees?

If he had told me that he was seeing someone else, then it would've been unpleasant, but there would have been this desire inside of me to want him more. Thus, if he were to call back at another time, I may have been slightly open to trying again. Not to mention that I would have at least respected him a bit for his honesty.

His loss. Lesson here: Tell the truth.

Now that I have spoken to my officemate, I assume that either two things are going on:

1.) He is dating a lot of people, and can't add anymore to the list. Quite exhausting, to say the least. So, he wants to keep me warm and near so that he can get back to me if he loses a spoogie or musters up the energy to date just one more... Not happening cuz "I ain't no holla back girl."

2.) He is dating someone else long distance. Probably NYC. Remember that line he used about having a wife and kids in another state? That's odd to say. He could've made any other reference/ metaphor, but he choose that one. He also sent me that email right after he came back from NYC.... He's not lying there. He isn't married. He just has a girlfriend. He probably has thought about breaking up with her from time-to-time, but hasn't yet. So, he's waiting to see how that situation pans out. Thus, he is trying to keep communication sporadic, yet open with me.

Did I tell you I deleted his number?

All in all. Lies. We all know what happens to Smokey when he lies to Big Worm. I doubt Rory has ever seen Friday. Isn't there a white American equivalent movie?

GTFU Part Deux

And what is up with falling in love on the third date?

Email from a 35-year old man I met speed dating read "I think you are one of the most amazing women I have ever met, but I just don't see myself going down the in love road with you right now."

The "in love" road?? Mind you, we had only been on 3 dates over the course of 3 weeks. I call myself lucky on this one. He was crazy.

You know, I really thought I was crazy. I mean, I can be very unpredictable when I feel threatened, attacked, or have had too much champagne, but he took the cake when he wrote that email.

AND what is up with telling people this crazy mess via email. If you are going to be crazy, then at least be able to face me with all your crazy splendor. Hiding behind a computer makes you look weak and shows your hidden cowardice. GTFU squared!!

If he would GTFU, he would realize that once again, this is NOT the movies!! This is real life.

Forgive me if I am tainted, but I stopped believing in love at first sight around the time I started to realize that babies didn't come from storks. Maybe even around the time I realized that "Santa" resembled my grandfather way too much and he was eating the cookies I left on the table on Christmas Eve. Way to shatter a little girl's Santa fantasy, Grandpa!

I don't mean to poop on your parade, Dave. BUT. If you want the movies, then go to a theater. In the real world, it takes time and commitment to really fall in love. Not two trips to a swanky bar and one night of dinner at my place.

Stick a fork in me... I'm. Done.

GTFU - G stands for Grow

It's an overwhelming feeling held by many women- well, the women I come in contact with- that men need to GTFU. Even some of the men I am around agree. GTFU, please!

Recently, I had a GTFU moment. Met this guy while I was out enjoying my Saturday night debauchery. We exchanged numbers. Texted for a week. He kept texting things like, "I can't wait to see you." "Let's set up a time to hang out after I get back from New York."

He was handsome, smart, and worked in the financial industry, which is wonderful to me because he's not in my education circle. His best attribute (besides him loving Jesus so much that he had an artistic rendition of the Savior tattooed on his left arm) was that HE WAS FUNNY! Like LOL and almost cry funny. Somehow, this guy made me LOL while reading texts. I like funny. Oh, and did I mention that the brown haired and eyed white man could get down with the best? The boy had rhythm.

So, I am looking forward to reconnecting and getting to know him a little better after a week and a half of texting. And... I get an email. See below.

"Hey Erica –

I promise no spamming. :-)

Hope you had a great weekend – from the sounds of the message I got from Crazy Chinese Girl (which is now her official name) if you had half as much fun as she did it must have been pretty good…

Anyway the reason I’m emailing you is because I absolutely want to see you again at some point – I had a great time with you last weekend – you seem like a really cool girl and I definitely want to get to know you better – its just now is not a great time for me… No, I’m not leading a secret double life with a wife and kids in another state; I just have a lot on my plate right now. Work is keeping me incredibly busy, studying for CFA is honestly like having a second job, and I have a crummy living situation right now (roommate issues)… This is not a brush off, I just figured this was a better approach than not saying anything and trying to contact you 2 months down the road when you’ve already deleted my number and won’t return my calls…

Anyway, hopefully this email isn’t too strange – please keep in touch…"

There's so much to talk about here, but I just have ONE burning question: Why do guys feel like they have to have everything in their lives PERFECT before they can go on a date or spend time getting to know a woman?

NEWS freakin' FLASH! It's not going to happen like that. Because if they were to GTFU, they would realize that life is a bunch of problems. And it never stops.

Women don't seem to carry the "perfect burden" when it comes to dating. AND most of the women I know are very successful at their jobs, have life issues, and deal with other people's problems day in and out all while studying for the GRE, GMAT, and/or MCAT. They maintain great relationships with friends, family, and/or significant others and never seem to have the same reasoning my 29-year old man-boy had above.

Not to mention that the email was weird, and I still won't be responding to him calling/ texting me two months from now. Really?!

Maybe it's just me, and I just wanted to put him on blast. :-) This is not the first or second time I've heard this excuse.

In the words of Mr. Kanye West, "I'M GOOD!"

Online Dating: Taboo?

I am probably going to get so much heat from my family for this post, but I have a confession to make.

I have tried online dating.

Full disclosure: I still do online dating from time-to-time when the moment strikes me. I think I am the flakiest online dater out there.

Why flaky? Well, because I teeter back and forth between "It'll happen when you least expect it." and "You gotta put yourself out there more. Give new experiences a try!"

Full disclosure: I actually teeter between "I need to meet people in person while casually enjoying my life." and "You don't go out very much. And the places you visit don't necessarily lend themselves to attractive and/or engaging guys. And you don't want to date your coworkers. You know your track record with that!"

The problem I've encountered is that I haven't had much luck online either.

I didn't want to pay, so I signed up for free sites, and guess what? The men that are on those sites either want to sleep with you tonight or they are a certified snore fest. Only freaky freaks and introverted freaks wanted to talk to me...

So, what's a girl to do? I know! Delete my profile....

Or sign up for eHarmony? So, I did that. They seemed like they catered towards people who wanted long term, monogamous relationships. But in all actuality, they cater to people who want to get married tonight or tomorrow... People who give you the key to their apartment after one month of dating and want you to spend mostly every waking moment with them...

Delete!

So really, what's a girl to do? For now, nothing. Live life. Maybe in a day or so I will go back to online dating. eHarmony roped me in for at least 3 months and browsing profiles on OKCupid.com is entertaining at times, so we shall see.

Let the games begin!

Black Don't Crack

I have to frown upon the cliche, but admit that it's true from my experience. This. This may not be a good thing. Let me explain.

I am all for black not cracking. I mean, I want to look 30 when I am 50. Or for a more realistic hope, I want to look 40 when I am 57. Like Ken Burns. The Root said he was one of the "blackest white people" in America. I have no comment on that, but he does look 40, and last time I checked, he was born in 1953.

Putting Ken Burns aside, I think there's a deeper, insidious issue of black not cracking. I was raised that "black don't crack" (especially female blackness) from a couple of view points: (1.) aging (2.) showing emotional vulnerability and/ or weakness, like crying, having your feathers ruffled, displaying sadness, guilt, or intense love towards a man. You must look like you have everything together AT ALL TIMES!

Pressure.

The former = AWESOME! I can't wait to reap the benefits, and maybe I already am.

The latter = A debilitating, paralyzing, and growing facade, especially in the I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T era.

Black women shouldn't crack. We can't show men how we really feel because then we are "clingy." In the words of my loving grandmother, an advocate for black don't crack, "Never let a man know how you really feel."

We can't see a therapist because "that's what white women do."

We can't leave a bad relationship with a black man because then we aren't "ride or die."

I can go on and on, but my point is that we-- or maybe just I-- have to stray away from all of these passed down stereotypes of what being a black female really means. I don't think that in order to be "strong" and comfortable with my race, I have to be hard-hearted, emotionless with great men who long for my love in fear that I might scare them away, or afraid to confront some issues in my past with someone who is certified to help me do it in a safe way.

Staying with any man who treats you poorly- bad idea for ANY woman.

Being a black, independent woman should be celebrated in a different way. I think it's okay to not NEED a man, but what about WANTING one? I can do what I want, how I want, and I don't need a man to help support me. But. I want one that will edify my life. I can hold my own, but find it better to know that when I'm fighting to stay above water or when life gets to be a bit overwhelming, I don't have to struggle alone. That not being TOTALLY INDEPENDENT isn't a bad way to be. I think we've taken this too far.

So, I will smile, work, dance, sing, and love with all of the passion God has put inside of me. And well, if this gets your J Crew boxers all in a bunch fellas, then step aside.

King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!!

Holla for a Dollar

Here's the problem:

We are hanging out and getting to know one another. I like you. You like me. We have fun together, laugh, make jokes about the diameters of our skulls, and enjoy down time together. We seem to have some of the same political views and can talk about anything.

One day, I tell you that I need $20. You say that you really want to give me $20, but you only have $17 in your pocket. I ask if you could go to an ATM and get $3 more, and give it to me. You know, because I NEED it. I even offer to drive you to an ATM, grocery store, or even take the extra $3 in change. Pennies, dimes, quarters, nickles, and the like. I am willing to accept the extra $3 in ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!! Why? Because I need it.

You still try to give me $17.

So, $17 doesn't help me because I need (not want or desire to have) $20. I bring this dilemma back to you, and you say, "Well, I only got $17 right now. And though I really like you and want to give you $20, I am not willing to take the extra steps to get the remaining $3. I guess I just can't. But I want to. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't I give you the $17 (and you put the extra $3 in) and then we can act like I gave you $20. That way, I don't give you what you need and somehow you have to make up for what I lack. We all win."

I walk away. I think to myself, "Someday I will get the $20 from someone who wants and can give me what I need. All of what I need."

This is how it worked out recently. Obviously, it wasn't about $20, but I think you get the point.

I was in a position where someone offered me what he had, but he wasn't willing to give me what I needed. It wasn't enough. And he wasn't willing to go for the gold. He was willing to go for the silver and convince me to be satisfied with said silver.

I wasn't. Sadness.

I really liked him. We could have been something good together. Maybe not.

Instead, I shall be steadfast in my love for myself. I can't settle for 17 when I need 20.

I must trust that God will supply all of my needs.