Kindergarten Part 1

In dating, the cliche' applies:  Everything I need to know about dating, I learned in Kindergarten.  Or was it life?

People make dating out to be so complicated when in fact it can be quite simple.  All we need to do is remember the things we learned in Kindergarten, and we'd be much more successful.

In Kindergarten, we learn to ask questions.  We learn to ask questions for various reasons, but mostly to:
1) express a need, like "May I go to the restroom?" or "Can you tell Kevin to stop?"
2.) express confusion and/or dismay, like "Why can't I have a snack?!" or "So how does the baby come out of Mommy?"
3.) express interest, like "My favorite color is blue, Jason. What's yours?" or "I'm 5. How old are you?"

Even in Kindergarten, children know that if you want someone to fulfill a need, you should ask a question.  If you are confused, you should probably ask a question.  If you want to be someone's friend, you need to ask them a question. It seems that we lose this fundamental as we get older. 

People all of sudden seem to think that they don't need to put forth effort.  That if they want to get to know someone, they'll telepathically get them to come over and the other person will exert effort to get to know them, even though the telepather has done nothing to show interest.  Then, the telepather will expect that the person asks them questions, but won't necessarily do the same.

I've seen this happen so many times, especially with men.  No, especially with egotistical and/or highly attractive men.  They expect women to waltz on in, show interest by smiling and asking questions to prompt a conversation, and then finish by carrying the conversation.  Seriously?  Oh my, how things have changed.

My grandfather used to say that it wasn't the woman's job to hunt.  Women are to be the hunted.  Sexist as it may be, there was a reason he believed this.  It made guys put in work.  These days it seems that the tables have turned. (This isn't to say that women shouldn't put in work  I do believe both parties need to exert a considerable amount of effort.)

My advice?  Learn from primary school.  If you want a woman to think you are interested, ask her questions.  Get to know her.  It's simple.  No question will be dumb, so there's no need to freeze up over this.  All we want to know is that you want to know us.  The way that you do that: ask us questions about ourselves.  And if we are interested, we will ask you a question back.  That's what we call a CONVERSATION.  A conversation can quickly turn into a daunting monologue if men do not step up and ask questions.  Just smiling at us won't cut it.  When you don't ask questions, it makes us say, "He must not be that interested because he doesn't want to know much about me."

No bueno!

Bottom line: Ask and ye shall show interest.

The Unknown = Scary Good

It seems that when you least expect it, your feelings smack you in the face - hard! Like a -5 degree day in Chicago with no scarf on - BRICK HARD. And what do I do when I realize I like a man... a fine man at that?

I get scared.

All of these feelings rush to my face, and I feel like I am going to explode. Maybe the reason that I wasn't truly invested in dating until now is because I suck at it. Who am I kidding?! It's like I got caught up in rules and what other authors think about dating. And now, I am not sure what to believe.

Don't get it twisted! I know who I am and what I want.

But I never thought to devise a plan for what to do when I think I've got what I want. Well, almost what I want... I think. There was a tiny piece of me that thought there was no one out there for me... No one I could be me with.

Do I have what I want? IDK. Too soon to tell.

I want someone that I can be myself around, and can truly appreciate what I bring to the table. I want to be able to love them in the way that I love best. I merely want unconditional love...

Either way, this is the first time in a long time when I actually am afraid. I am excited to be scared. Haven't had someone to spark a glimmer of passion in me in a LONG time.

So, all I can do is pray about it. I want it to be what it is and never what it isn't.

Either away, I am going to ride the wave, have fun, and at worst, get a wonderful friend out of the whole process.

I digress.

I'm Biz-ack!

Cuz I'm back... and I'm black... and I'm blickity back...

In New Orleans. Settled. Back in action.

Single. Happy. Ready to blog about all of my experiences... again. I thought about changing the name of my blog because New Orleans really isn't a white market. But knowing me... it may be. lol

Stay tuned...

Investment

Confession: I realized how un-invested I am in being in a relationship. I also realize how truly invested I am in making myself happy at the cost of a relationship.

It's sort of akin to what my clients do. They look like they're invested when I am talking/ training them, but when it's showtime, they balk at anything that doesn't go their way. Same with me. Guilty.

Am I really willing to get to know someone and accept them for the traits that I like and the characteristics that I don't? Nah. I'm moving, so I don't need to.

Speaking of moving, it gives you a totally different perspective. Recently, I've met two men who have the same problem: They are unreliable flirters. They text and facebook me to say that they want to hang out, but when it's time to pick a time and place, they disappear.

Usually, this would frustrate me and I would blog using their names. But because I am leaving, my perspective on the dating scene in Boston has changed (translation: I don't care anymore. Well, at least until I move and get settled.)

I see this dating thing as a game. I guess I had the Young Jeezy approach to dating when I first moved here. And I quote Jezzy in saying, "This ain't a game, man. This is my life!" Now, it's just a game, to me. The things that got on my nerves before now make me laugh or just make me write men off without any lingering thoughts. Maybe that's why I hadn't written in a while. Not much investment.

I did learn from this, however. I've learned that when I move, I should see dating as a game until it gets to be more serious than just dating. I like this perspective. It's less stressful, more fun, and sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. Just like... well, a GAME. :-)

GTFU Part I.b - Another Angle

My coworker gave me a different angle.. I am sharing.

I should have entitled the first GTFU memo as, "You ain't got to lie, Craig. You ain't got to lie!" (Taken from "Friday" the movie, in case you didn't know.)

The question I should have asked was, "Why you gotta lie, Rory?" Not because he owed me honesty or a polite departure, but because he eliminated me as a potential datee. I mean, don't guys want to maximize their datees?

If he had told me that he was seeing someone else, then it would've been unpleasant, but there would have been this desire inside of me to want him more. Thus, if he were to call back at another time, I may have been slightly open to trying again. Not to mention that I would have at least respected him a bit for his honesty.

His loss. Lesson here: Tell the truth.

Now that I have spoken to my officemate, I assume that either two things are going on:

1.) He is dating a lot of people, and can't add anymore to the list. Quite exhausting, to say the least. So, he wants to keep me warm and near so that he can get back to me if he loses a spoogie or musters up the energy to date just one more... Not happening cuz "I ain't no holla back girl."

2.) He is dating someone else long distance. Probably NYC. Remember that line he used about having a wife and kids in another state? That's odd to say. He could've made any other reference/ metaphor, but he choose that one. He also sent me that email right after he came back from NYC.... He's not lying there. He isn't married. He just has a girlfriend. He probably has thought about breaking up with her from time-to-time, but hasn't yet. So, he's waiting to see how that situation pans out. Thus, he is trying to keep communication sporadic, yet open with me.

Did I tell you I deleted his number?

All in all. Lies. We all know what happens to Smokey when he lies to Big Worm. I doubt Rory has ever seen Friday. Isn't there a white American equivalent movie?

GTFU Part Deux

And what is up with falling in love on the third date?

Email from a 35-year old man I met speed dating read "I think you are one of the most amazing women I have ever met, but I just don't see myself going down the in love road with you right now."

The "in love" road?? Mind you, we had only been on 3 dates over the course of 3 weeks. I call myself lucky on this one. He was crazy.

You know, I really thought I was crazy. I mean, I can be very unpredictable when I feel threatened, attacked, or have had too much champagne, but he took the cake when he wrote that email.

AND what is up with telling people this crazy mess via email. If you are going to be crazy, then at least be able to face me with all your crazy splendor. Hiding behind a computer makes you look weak and shows your hidden cowardice. GTFU squared!!

If he would GTFU, he would realize that once again, this is NOT the movies!! This is real life.

Forgive me if I am tainted, but I stopped believing in love at first sight around the time I started to realize that babies didn't come from storks. Maybe even around the time I realized that "Santa" resembled my grandfather way too much and he was eating the cookies I left on the table on Christmas Eve. Way to shatter a little girl's Santa fantasy, Grandpa!

I don't mean to poop on your parade, Dave. BUT. If you want the movies, then go to a theater. In the real world, it takes time and commitment to really fall in love. Not two trips to a swanky bar and one night of dinner at my place.

Stick a fork in me... I'm. Done.

GTFU - G stands for Grow

It's an overwhelming feeling held by many women- well, the women I come in contact with- that men need to GTFU. Even some of the men I am around agree. GTFU, please!

Recently, I had a GTFU moment. Met this guy while I was out enjoying my Saturday night debauchery. We exchanged numbers. Texted for a week. He kept texting things like, "I can't wait to see you." "Let's set up a time to hang out after I get back from New York."

He was handsome, smart, and worked in the financial industry, which is wonderful to me because he's not in my education circle. His best attribute (besides him loving Jesus so much that he had an artistic rendition of the Savior tattooed on his left arm) was that HE WAS FUNNY! Like LOL and almost cry funny. Somehow, this guy made me LOL while reading texts. I like funny. Oh, and did I mention that the brown haired and eyed white man could get down with the best? The boy had rhythm.

So, I am looking forward to reconnecting and getting to know him a little better after a week and a half of texting. And... I get an email. See below.

"Hey Erica –

I promise no spamming. :-)

Hope you had a great weekend – from the sounds of the message I got from Crazy Chinese Girl (which is now her official name) if you had half as much fun as she did it must have been pretty good…

Anyway the reason I’m emailing you is because I absolutely want to see you again at some point – I had a great time with you last weekend – you seem like a really cool girl and I definitely want to get to know you better – its just now is not a great time for me… No, I’m not leading a secret double life with a wife and kids in another state; I just have a lot on my plate right now. Work is keeping me incredibly busy, studying for CFA is honestly like having a second job, and I have a crummy living situation right now (roommate issues)… This is not a brush off, I just figured this was a better approach than not saying anything and trying to contact you 2 months down the road when you’ve already deleted my number and won’t return my calls…

Anyway, hopefully this email isn’t too strange – please keep in touch…"

There's so much to talk about here, but I just have ONE burning question: Why do guys feel like they have to have everything in their lives PERFECT before they can go on a date or spend time getting to know a woman?

NEWS freakin' FLASH! It's not going to happen like that. Because if they were to GTFU, they would realize that life is a bunch of problems. And it never stops.

Women don't seem to carry the "perfect burden" when it comes to dating. AND most of the women I know are very successful at their jobs, have life issues, and deal with other people's problems day in and out all while studying for the GRE, GMAT, and/or MCAT. They maintain great relationships with friends, family, and/or significant others and never seem to have the same reasoning my 29-year old man-boy had above.

Not to mention that the email was weird, and I still won't be responding to him calling/ texting me two months from now. Really?!

Maybe it's just me, and I just wanted to put him on blast. :-) This is not the first or second time I've heard this excuse.

In the words of Mr. Kanye West, "I'M GOOD!"