5 Minute Post - Commitment

*setting my timer*

Here starts my 5-minute post series.  These posts will take 5 minutes or less to write and will focus on all things dating.  Here we go. (I already lost 10 seconds.)

Commitment comes in many forms.  There is a continuum of commitment in which people tend to find themselves having a natural disposition of placement.  Continuum below:




Serial Committer------------------------Indifferent Committer----------------------Non-Committer

(*This is all totally based on research.)

You got the serial committers who jump into relationship after relationships with the idea that "this could be the one this time."  They are the people who are never single - they are always in a 1-2+ year commitment every year.  These are people who are intense in relationships and when they break up, it rocks their world.  Say what you want about them, but these are the loyalists of the committers.  They will love hard all day, everyday. If they were a radio station, they would be underground hip hop circa 1990s.

You got the indifferent committers - they have an ebb and flow of singleness and commitment.  They don't really get too involved emotionally, but they do enough to make you think that they can if you just hold on a little while longer.  For them, being single is fine.  Being committed in a relationship is fine.  Everything is fine.  These are people who are usually friends with all of their exes.  They didn't get too involved to have a nasty blow out, but it probably took a couple months for their exes to want to talk to them again.  These are the easy-goers.  If they were a radio station, they would be soft rock.

Lastly, you got the non-committer.  They don't want a relationship. They make this very clear. They will treat you like you are their girlfriend when they are with you, but you can't expect anything when they aren't right in front of you.  Being single is great for these types, and well, relationships - the bain of their existence.  Radio statio - Top 40.

Which one are you?  What radio statio do you listen to?

Personally, I am probably smack dab in between Serial and Indifferent Committer.  I know how to commit and I am loyal in committing, but it takes me a while (usually) to be able to do so. I am cautious with my heart.  Maybe.

My station?   R&B.  I have full capacity to be intense and love with every ounce of my being, BUT *record screeching* I can also belt out chords of I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-C-E.

Bottom line: I think at certain times in life we listen to various radio stations, just as we move along the continuum..  10 years ago, I found myself at the other end of the continuum.  I think the important thing here is to be with someone who is in the same area of the continuum you are. They don't have to be in the same, exact spot you are in.  But my "research" tells me that if they predominantly listen to Top 40 and you listen to underground hip hop, 9/10 of the time, it won't work. 

The question to be begged is: Do you ever stop moving along the continuum?  If not, then how do you make a long-lasting relationship work if people are constantly changing?

5-Minute Post - Albert Einstein

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -Albert Einstein

Point taken recently.  A friend of mine is at her wits end.

I think she's been a bit insane when it comes to dating.  She's been doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It seems that the men she's been giving her attention to lately are wolves in disguise, and she's the little lamb that gets a bit shaken up when they try to eat her.  She's a ninja lamb, so she puts up a great fight, but by the time she realizes they are wolves and not men, she's looking at their mouths thinking, "My, what big teeth you have."  Too late when you can see the teeth!

So, what should she do?  She is actively looking for sincere men and trying to avoid the wolves, but she continues to attract wolves (sometimes in disguise).  How do you change the type of men that you attract or seem to always wind up dating even though you make a concerted effort to steer clear of them?  She's open for suggestions.

Kindergarten Part 1

In dating, the cliche' applies:  Everything I need to know about dating, I learned in Kindergarten.  Or was it life?

People make dating out to be so complicated when in fact it can be quite simple.  All we need to do is remember the things we learned in Kindergarten, and we'd be much more successful.

In Kindergarten, we learn to ask questions.  We learn to ask questions for various reasons, but mostly to:
1) express a need, like "May I go to the restroom?" or "Can you tell Kevin to stop?"
2.) express confusion and/or dismay, like "Why can't I have a snack?!" or "So how does the baby come out of Mommy?"
3.) express interest, like "My favorite color is blue, Jason. What's yours?" or "I'm 5. How old are you?"

Even in Kindergarten, children know that if you want someone to fulfill a need, you should ask a question.  If you are confused, you should probably ask a question.  If you want to be someone's friend, you need to ask them a question. It seems that we lose this fundamental as we get older. 

People all of sudden seem to think that they don't need to put forth effort.  That if they want to get to know someone, they'll telepathically get them to come over and the other person will exert effort to get to know them, even though the telepather has done nothing to show interest.  Then, the telepather will expect that the person asks them questions, but won't necessarily do the same.

I've seen this happen so many times, especially with men.  No, especially with egotistical and/or highly attractive men.  They expect women to waltz on in, show interest by smiling and asking questions to prompt a conversation, and then finish by carrying the conversation.  Seriously?  Oh my, how things have changed.

My grandfather used to say that it wasn't the woman's job to hunt.  Women are to be the hunted.  Sexist as it may be, there was a reason he believed this.  It made guys put in work.  These days it seems that the tables have turned. (This isn't to say that women shouldn't put in work  I do believe both parties need to exert a considerable amount of effort.)

My advice?  Learn from primary school.  If you want a woman to think you are interested, ask her questions.  Get to know her.  It's simple.  No question will be dumb, so there's no need to freeze up over this.  All we want to know is that you want to know us.  The way that you do that: ask us questions about ourselves.  And if we are interested, we will ask you a question back.  That's what we call a CONVERSATION.  A conversation can quickly turn into a daunting monologue if men do not step up and ask questions.  Just smiling at us won't cut it.  When you don't ask questions, it makes us say, "He must not be that interested because he doesn't want to know much about me."

No bueno!

Bottom line: Ask and ye shall show interest.

The Unknown = Scary Good

It seems that when you least expect it, your feelings smack you in the face - hard! Like a -5 degree day in Chicago with no scarf on - BRICK HARD. And what do I do when I realize I like a man... a fine man at that?

I get scared.

All of these feelings rush to my face, and I feel like I am going to explode. Maybe the reason that I wasn't truly invested in dating until now is because I suck at it. Who am I kidding?! It's like I got caught up in rules and what other authors think about dating. And now, I am not sure what to believe.

Don't get it twisted! I know who I am and what I want.

But I never thought to devise a plan for what to do when I think I've got what I want. Well, almost what I want... I think. There was a tiny piece of me that thought there was no one out there for me... No one I could be me with.

Do I have what I want? IDK. Too soon to tell.

I want someone that I can be myself around, and can truly appreciate what I bring to the table. I want to be able to love them in the way that I love best. I merely want unconditional love...

Either way, this is the first time in a long time when I actually am afraid. I am excited to be scared. Haven't had someone to spark a glimmer of passion in me in a LONG time.

So, all I can do is pray about it. I want it to be what it is and never what it isn't.

Either away, I am going to ride the wave, have fun, and at worst, get a wonderful friend out of the whole process.

I digress.

I'm Biz-ack!

Cuz I'm back... and I'm black... and I'm blickity back...

In New Orleans. Settled. Back in action.

Single. Happy. Ready to blog about all of my experiences... again. I thought about changing the name of my blog because New Orleans really isn't a white market. But knowing me... it may be. lol

Stay tuned...

Investment

Confession: I realized how un-invested I am in being in a relationship. I also realize how truly invested I am in making myself happy at the cost of a relationship.

It's sort of akin to what my clients do. They look like they're invested when I am talking/ training them, but when it's showtime, they balk at anything that doesn't go their way. Same with me. Guilty.

Am I really willing to get to know someone and accept them for the traits that I like and the characteristics that I don't? Nah. I'm moving, so I don't need to.

Speaking of moving, it gives you a totally different perspective. Recently, I've met two men who have the same problem: They are unreliable flirters. They text and facebook me to say that they want to hang out, but when it's time to pick a time and place, they disappear.

Usually, this would frustrate me and I would blog using their names. But because I am leaving, my perspective on the dating scene in Boston has changed (translation: I don't care anymore. Well, at least until I move and get settled.)

I see this dating thing as a game. I guess I had the Young Jeezy approach to dating when I first moved here. And I quote Jezzy in saying, "This ain't a game, man. This is my life!" Now, it's just a game, to me. The things that got on my nerves before now make me laugh or just make me write men off without any lingering thoughts. Maybe that's why I hadn't written in a while. Not much investment.

I did learn from this, however. I've learned that when I move, I should see dating as a game until it gets to be more serious than just dating. I like this perspective. It's less stressful, more fun, and sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. Just like... well, a GAME. :-)

GTFU Part I.b - Another Angle

My coworker gave me a different angle.. I am sharing.

I should have entitled the first GTFU memo as, "You ain't got to lie, Craig. You ain't got to lie!" (Taken from "Friday" the movie, in case you didn't know.)

The question I should have asked was, "Why you gotta lie, Rory?" Not because he owed me honesty or a polite departure, but because he eliminated me as a potential datee. I mean, don't guys want to maximize their datees?

If he had told me that he was seeing someone else, then it would've been unpleasant, but there would have been this desire inside of me to want him more. Thus, if he were to call back at another time, I may have been slightly open to trying again. Not to mention that I would have at least respected him a bit for his honesty.

His loss. Lesson here: Tell the truth.

Now that I have spoken to my officemate, I assume that either two things are going on:

1.) He is dating a lot of people, and can't add anymore to the list. Quite exhausting, to say the least. So, he wants to keep me warm and near so that he can get back to me if he loses a spoogie or musters up the energy to date just one more... Not happening cuz "I ain't no holla back girl."

2.) He is dating someone else long distance. Probably NYC. Remember that line he used about having a wife and kids in another state? That's odd to say. He could've made any other reference/ metaphor, but he choose that one. He also sent me that email right after he came back from NYC.... He's not lying there. He isn't married. He just has a girlfriend. He probably has thought about breaking up with her from time-to-time, but hasn't yet. So, he's waiting to see how that situation pans out. Thus, he is trying to keep communication sporadic, yet open with me.

Did I tell you I deleted his number?

All in all. Lies. We all know what happens to Smokey when he lies to Big Worm. I doubt Rory has ever seen Friday. Isn't there a white American equivalent movie?

GTFU Part Deux

And what is up with falling in love on the third date?

Email from a 35-year old man I met speed dating read "I think you are one of the most amazing women I have ever met, but I just don't see myself going down the in love road with you right now."

The "in love" road?? Mind you, we had only been on 3 dates over the course of 3 weeks. I call myself lucky on this one. He was crazy.

You know, I really thought I was crazy. I mean, I can be very unpredictable when I feel threatened, attacked, or have had too much champagne, but he took the cake when he wrote that email.

AND what is up with telling people this crazy mess via email. If you are going to be crazy, then at least be able to face me with all your crazy splendor. Hiding behind a computer makes you look weak and shows your hidden cowardice. GTFU squared!!

If he would GTFU, he would realize that once again, this is NOT the movies!! This is real life.

Forgive me if I am tainted, but I stopped believing in love at first sight around the time I started to realize that babies didn't come from storks. Maybe even around the time I realized that "Santa" resembled my grandfather way too much and he was eating the cookies I left on the table on Christmas Eve. Way to shatter a little girl's Santa fantasy, Grandpa!

I don't mean to poop on your parade, Dave. BUT. If you want the movies, then go to a theater. In the real world, it takes time and commitment to really fall in love. Not two trips to a swanky bar and one night of dinner at my place.

Stick a fork in me... I'm. Done.

GTFU - G stands for Grow

It's an overwhelming feeling held by many women- well, the women I come in contact with- that men need to GTFU. Even some of the men I am around agree. GTFU, please!

Recently, I had a GTFU moment. Met this guy while I was out enjoying my Saturday night debauchery. We exchanged numbers. Texted for a week. He kept texting things like, "I can't wait to see you." "Let's set up a time to hang out after I get back from New York."

He was handsome, smart, and worked in the financial industry, which is wonderful to me because he's not in my education circle. His best attribute (besides him loving Jesus so much that he had an artistic rendition of the Savior tattooed on his left arm) was that HE WAS FUNNY! Like LOL and almost cry funny. Somehow, this guy made me LOL while reading texts. I like funny. Oh, and did I mention that the brown haired and eyed white man could get down with the best? The boy had rhythm.

So, I am looking forward to reconnecting and getting to know him a little better after a week and a half of texting. And... I get an email. See below.

"Hey Erica –

I promise no spamming. :-)

Hope you had a great weekend – from the sounds of the message I got from Crazy Chinese Girl (which is now her official name) if you had half as much fun as she did it must have been pretty good…

Anyway the reason I’m emailing you is because I absolutely want to see you again at some point – I had a great time with you last weekend – you seem like a really cool girl and I definitely want to get to know you better – its just now is not a great time for me… No, I’m not leading a secret double life with a wife and kids in another state; I just have a lot on my plate right now. Work is keeping me incredibly busy, studying for CFA is honestly like having a second job, and I have a crummy living situation right now (roommate issues)… This is not a brush off, I just figured this was a better approach than not saying anything and trying to contact you 2 months down the road when you’ve already deleted my number and won’t return my calls…

Anyway, hopefully this email isn’t too strange – please keep in touch…"

There's so much to talk about here, but I just have ONE burning question: Why do guys feel like they have to have everything in their lives PERFECT before they can go on a date or spend time getting to know a woman?

NEWS freakin' FLASH! It's not going to happen like that. Because if they were to GTFU, they would realize that life is a bunch of problems. And it never stops.

Women don't seem to carry the "perfect burden" when it comes to dating. AND most of the women I know are very successful at their jobs, have life issues, and deal with other people's problems day in and out all while studying for the GRE, GMAT, and/or MCAT. They maintain great relationships with friends, family, and/or significant others and never seem to have the same reasoning my 29-year old man-boy had above.

Not to mention that the email was weird, and I still won't be responding to him calling/ texting me two months from now. Really?!

Maybe it's just me, and I just wanted to put him on blast. :-) This is not the first or second time I've heard this excuse.

In the words of Mr. Kanye West, "I'M GOOD!"

Online Dating: Taboo?

I am probably going to get so much heat from my family for this post, but I have a confession to make.

I have tried online dating.

Full disclosure: I still do online dating from time-to-time when the moment strikes me. I think I am the flakiest online dater out there.

Why flaky? Well, because I teeter back and forth between "It'll happen when you least expect it." and "You gotta put yourself out there more. Give new experiences a try!"

Full disclosure: I actually teeter between "I need to meet people in person while casually enjoying my life." and "You don't go out very much. And the places you visit don't necessarily lend themselves to attractive and/or engaging guys. And you don't want to date your coworkers. You know your track record with that!"

The problem I've encountered is that I haven't had much luck online either.

I didn't want to pay, so I signed up for free sites, and guess what? The men that are on those sites either want to sleep with you tonight or they are a certified snore fest. Only freaky freaks and introverted freaks wanted to talk to me...

So, what's a girl to do? I know! Delete my profile....

Or sign up for eHarmony? So, I did that. They seemed like they catered towards people who wanted long term, monogamous relationships. But in all actuality, they cater to people who want to get married tonight or tomorrow... People who give you the key to their apartment after one month of dating and want you to spend mostly every waking moment with them...

Delete!

So really, what's a girl to do? For now, nothing. Live life. Maybe in a day or so I will go back to online dating. eHarmony roped me in for at least 3 months and browsing profiles on OKCupid.com is entertaining at times, so we shall see.

Let the games begin!

Black Don't Crack

I have to frown upon the cliche, but admit that it's true from my experience. This. This may not be a good thing. Let me explain.

I am all for black not cracking. I mean, I want to look 30 when I am 50. Or for a more realistic hope, I want to look 40 when I am 57. Like Ken Burns. The Root said he was one of the "blackest white people" in America. I have no comment on that, but he does look 40, and last time I checked, he was born in 1953.

Putting Ken Burns aside, I think there's a deeper, insidious issue of black not cracking. I was raised that "black don't crack" (especially female blackness) from a couple of view points: (1.) aging (2.) showing emotional vulnerability and/ or weakness, like crying, having your feathers ruffled, displaying sadness, guilt, or intense love towards a man. You must look like you have everything together AT ALL TIMES!

Pressure.

The former = AWESOME! I can't wait to reap the benefits, and maybe I already am.

The latter = A debilitating, paralyzing, and growing facade, especially in the I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T era.

Black women shouldn't crack. We can't show men how we really feel because then we are "clingy." In the words of my loving grandmother, an advocate for black don't crack, "Never let a man know how you really feel."

We can't see a therapist because "that's what white women do."

We can't leave a bad relationship with a black man because then we aren't "ride or die."

I can go on and on, but my point is that we-- or maybe just I-- have to stray away from all of these passed down stereotypes of what being a black female really means. I don't think that in order to be "strong" and comfortable with my race, I have to be hard-hearted, emotionless with great men who long for my love in fear that I might scare them away, or afraid to confront some issues in my past with someone who is certified to help me do it in a safe way.

Staying with any man who treats you poorly- bad idea for ANY woman.

Being a black, independent woman should be celebrated in a different way. I think it's okay to not NEED a man, but what about WANTING one? I can do what I want, how I want, and I don't need a man to help support me. But. I want one that will edify my life. I can hold my own, but find it better to know that when I'm fighting to stay above water or when life gets to be a bit overwhelming, I don't have to struggle alone. That not being TOTALLY INDEPENDENT isn't a bad way to be. I think we've taken this too far.

So, I will smile, work, dance, sing, and love with all of the passion God has put inside of me. And well, if this gets your J Crew boxers all in a bunch fellas, then step aside.

King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!!

Holla for a Dollar

Here's the problem:

We are hanging out and getting to know one another. I like you. You like me. We have fun together, laugh, make jokes about the diameters of our skulls, and enjoy down time together. We seem to have some of the same political views and can talk about anything.

One day, I tell you that I need $20. You say that you really want to give me $20, but you only have $17 in your pocket. I ask if you could go to an ATM and get $3 more, and give it to me. You know, because I NEED it. I even offer to drive you to an ATM, grocery store, or even take the extra $3 in change. Pennies, dimes, quarters, nickles, and the like. I am willing to accept the extra $3 in ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!! Why? Because I need it.

You still try to give me $17.

So, $17 doesn't help me because I need (not want or desire to have) $20. I bring this dilemma back to you, and you say, "Well, I only got $17 right now. And though I really like you and want to give you $20, I am not willing to take the extra steps to get the remaining $3. I guess I just can't. But I want to. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't I give you the $17 (and you put the extra $3 in) and then we can act like I gave you $20. That way, I don't give you what you need and somehow you have to make up for what I lack. We all win."

I walk away. I think to myself, "Someday I will get the $20 from someone who wants and can give me what I need. All of what I need."

This is how it worked out recently. Obviously, it wasn't about $20, but I think you get the point.

I was in a position where someone offered me what he had, but he wasn't willing to give me what I needed. It wasn't enough. And he wasn't willing to go for the gold. He was willing to go for the silver and convince me to be satisfied with said silver.

I wasn't. Sadness.

I really liked him. We could have been something good together. Maybe not.

Instead, I shall be steadfast in my love for myself. I can't settle for 17 when I need 20.

I must trust that God will supply all of my needs.

Clarifying Questions and Answers

Two questions: (1.) What is this blog about? (2.) Why should I read this blog?

Somehow between the Sudafed and the glass of Sangria with lunch, I went from writing to merely manifest thoughts about Af-Am women and dating TO going on a mission to find a husband.

Between my sinus pressure and red wine (mixed with brandy, fruit, and ginger ale), I digitally lost my mind.

So, what's the deal?

Let's talk turkey (Tofu if you are a vegetarian):

Q: What is the blog about? Ironically, it's about my dating experiences laced with the countless self help books I've read (and some Biblical notations thrown here and there.) It's ironic to say the least because I am not currently dating anyone and not planning on it for the next couple of months or so. Made this verbal agreement with my pastor. Let's see how long this lasts.

Q: Why should I read this blog? I think there is a slew of women like me in the Boston area who would (a.) LOVE to see someone that looks like them walking around in professional attire (b)since they don't see many people that look like them, they may want to read about someone who is a bit crazy, but says things that they think most of the time.

If you are a white woman, stick around. You may be able to relate to some of this. I honestly believe in the shared experiences of human beings. Just because I am a "miniority" via race (my skin is a yummy caramel color) doesn't mean that White Houses in this White Market don't have their own marginalizing characteristics. It could possibly mean that they are just a bit more silent about their plight. Or not.

If you are a man, stick around. You might learn something. Or not.

Sadly, I could be wrong about all of this. I could (and may be) the only one reading this.

Either way, I am not on some self-serving hunt to find a husband. One day, man, book, blog, and prayer at a time...

My First

My life is a compilation of country music songs from 1979 (Hank Williams Jr.) - present (Any Carrie Underwood song fits just fine.)

It seems that I can listen to 102.5 here in Cambridge for maybe 10 mins/ 3 songs give or take, and find something I can relate to. Except for the time they played 5-7 songs in a row to commemorate the troops. They've been doing that recently.

So, here I am.

In many ways, I have beat the odds. And in others, I remain a statistic. By statistic, I mean this.

I am Single. Black. Educated. Hot. (Yeah, I said it.)

AND by single I mean unmarried with no prospects. Nobody hanging in the margins of my life. On the back burner.. None of that!

I am not yet in my 40s or anything, so no reason to call out the dogs to go and sniff out my husband.

Some people may say that I have nothing to worry about because I am young. I have only been on this planet for 26, almost 27, years so I have a LONG life ahead of me and I should be focused on other things. Like career choices, reading books, and saving to buy a house. Maybe I should go to grad school. I should do something other than think about dating and marriage.

Well, I love my career and have been driven most of my life by it. But it doesn't light my fire to think about it all the time anymore. I need to move on to another chapter to write. A new chapter. Doesn't mean this chapter is ending, but I need something new to analyze and improve.

Reading books? Why can't I do that while dating? If you know anything about me, you know that I am a task-master. RAWR!

Saving? I am currently saving for my wedding. Just kidding. Maybe.

The point is that I have tried so hard not to become a statistic. I went to Big 10 and Ivy league schools, got a grad degree.

Even tried sushi.

Most of my friends that I grew up in Harvey, LA don't eat sushi... raw fish? puh-lease! (I have to say that I actually love it. And I am not forcing myself to try it because most of my dining out consists of mainly white people.)

I mean, that's just Japanese. What about Thai? Not raw, and delish! But most of my friends and family back home have never had or heard of Thai food. (I know.. absurd!) Enough with the tangential humbergum!

I wrestle with the idea that maybe by fighting to "defy the odds," I walked right into a trap? It seems that the more educated I get and the more I stay in Cambridge/ Boston (the White Market), I tend to dig my grave a bit deeper. (Refer to this if you aren't up-to-date with what I am referencing. Ignore Steve Harvey. I don't know why he's there.)

Rest assured, I will beat the odds. If there's anything that I know about myself, it's that I always get what I want. May take time, money, Jesus, more blogs, going through my self help book archives, and listening to audiobooks in the car, but I am destined to WIN.

There's nothing else left, but to WIN.

So, welcome to my blog- where I, this Black House of sorts, have entered and currently living in this White Market.

Let's hope and pray the market doesn't crash. And if it does, it's going to be one heck of a ride!